Ed
by Ivgie Sole
Summary: Got bored, yes. Anyway this is Eminem's "Stan" knock-off, with Ed Leslie writing to Hogan. Enjoy.


Dear Hulk, I wrote but you still ain't callin

I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom

I figured you must have forgotten them

Or you've lost your SIM card or something

But anyways what's been up? How singing carrer is going for your daughter?

My wife is pregnant, I'm bout to be a father

If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?

I'ma name her Terry

I read about your divorce too, I'm sorry

That Linda b*tch, she is full of crap

But I'm glad you got your toilet seat back

I know you hear this from Knobbs a lot, but I am your best friend

That's no lie, remember our match with Money Inc from Wrestlemania 9?

I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man

My favorite's the one with me in your camel clutch from War Games

Anyways, hit me back just to give me a shout

And talk to Dixie man, I kinda need a job

Truly yours,

Your best friend

Leslie, Ed.

Dear Hulk, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance

I ain't mad - I just think it's F***ED UP you don't answer friends

If you didn't wanna talk to me after Impact

You didn't have to, if you didn't want to see me

But you coulda talked to Jimmy

He's your former manager man, come on, he's 66 years old

We waited in the blistering cold for you,

Two hours and you just said, "No."

He's unemployed after that Wrestlicious show

No one will hire him now and he has nowhere to go

That's pretty sh**ty man - he really likes you

You could've helped him, he needs a job more than I do

I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to

Remember during that Australia tour - you said if I'd write you

You would get me a job with TNA

Anyway, I really love your Real American song

When I'm getting it on with my wife I always put it on

Cause it really gets me going, I must confess

And I went got a tattoo of your name across the chest

After all these years I still wanna be a Hulkamaniac, man

So come on, get me a job, I know you can

We could work a feud, reform the Mega Maniacs or whatever

My wife gets jealous cause I talk about you 24/7

But she don't know you like I know you Hulk, she's a drag

She don't know what it feels like to carry your bags

You gotta call me man, I'll be the best friend you'll ever lose

Sincerely yours, Ed -- P.S.

We should be together too

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Friends,

This'll be the last package I ever send your ass

It's been six months and still no word, what's up?

You did get a job for those two Nasty slobs

While no one wants to see them cause they slow and boring

Hell you even got a job for Sean f***in Morley

But not for me, like I'm some kind of has-been

You heard that sh*t over in WWE, with Eugene?

Where Vince went and fired his ass,

And Orton went out for him and got him hired again?

That's kinda how this is, you coulda talked about me with Dixie

Now it's too late - I'm f***ing drunk and I've got a pair of scissors

And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call

I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall

I loved you Hulk, we coulda worked together, think about it

You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it

And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it

I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me

See Hulk; [*screaming*] Shut up man! I'm tryin to talk!

Hey Hulk, hear this? It's our buddy Jimmy Hart.

He's here with me and I've tied him up.

He's still unemployed and he's going to starve

But guess what Hulk, he won't

I'll do him a favor and cut his f***in throat

See I help my friends man, I'm not like you

So now I'll cut Jimmy up and then I'll cut me up, too!

Well, Jimmy's done, gotta do myself now...

Oh s***, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this s*** out?

Dear Ed, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy

I did as you asked and mentioned you to Dixie

She says we don't need any more old guys at this time

You know I couldn't even save Knobbs and Saggs from getting fired

Cause she thinks they're too slow and fat

Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that

And here's an autograph for Jimmy

It's the only way I can help

I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you

Don't think I did that s*** intentionally just to diss you

But what's this s*** with being a Hulkamaniac dude?

It was Dave Sullivan's gimmick from years ago,

C'mon - how f***ed up is you?

You got some issues jack, I think you need some counseling

You've got too many gimmicks, I think you need to get off some

And what's this s*** about us meant to be together?

Orlando's into that s***, not me, brother.

Relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Ed

Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a friend

Just don't go crazy dude, that won't be smart

Like that s*** I heard bout some guy who went and killed Bret Hart

Wait, come to think of it it was Jimmy, not Bret.

And the guy's name was... that was you! Damn...


End file.
